Many of the holidays and festive celebrations can be a challenge when your loved one is living with dementia. They might not remember things as they once did, so sometimes the personal traditions you had as a couple lose the significance they once had.  Instead of remembering the past, celebrate for today, and do try to do something that has meaning now that will still celebrate your bond and your love for each other. Here are some suggestions for making that connection with a loved one living with dementia.

Remind them of your love

People living with dementia may benefit from sensory stimulation.  Get your loved one a Valentine’s card! Look at the card, talk about the picture, and read them what you wrote inside. Take them some flowers; the colours and fragrance can help promote positivity and lift spirits.  Listen to a meaningful piece of music perhaps from when you first met or got married.  Bring them some chocolates or a favourite treat that you can enjoy together and talk about the taste and texture. 

A trip down memory lane

Dig out some photos of some of the most special moments you’ve spent together. These could be wedding or anniversary photos, holidays together, or any other happy occasion when you shared a special moment. Look at the pictures together, talk about who is in the photograph, where it was taken, and anything else that the image prompts; is someone wearing a special item of clothing, perhaps there is something else in the picture of significance to you as a couple?  Try to avoid asking the person if they can directly remember instead talk about photos by saying “I remember when” this gives your loved one the opportunity to engage in the conversation and talk about the things they can remember.

Spend time together

Love is all about connection so spending time together is important. Your loved one might not behave in the same way they used to, but eating a favourite meal together, watching a classic film, or listening to meaningful music are all effective ways of reconnecting.  Try not to put too much pressure on yourself or your loved one on Valentine’s Day, just sitting together and holding hands can be a special meaningful moment.   

Recognising the present, remembering the past

The person may not recognise the version of you now, which can be distressing for you both. This is because when they remember you, they are remembering the version of you from 30-40 years ago. What’s important to remember is that they will still remember how they ‘feel’ about you. Talk about your feelings and let them share how they feel.   Looking through photos of you both taken at a time that they can recognise you may enable them to talk about the love and positive feelings they have for you.

Make contact

Physical connection is also important, from eye contact to a gentle touch or holding hands, and all help a person feel loved. Consider how your loved one would have responded previously – if they would have treasured a love letter in the past, perhaps a handmade card they can display in their room would be a nice gesture. However, if they might have scorned something like that previously as being too soppy, they’re unlikely to appreciate a specially written love poem now!

Don’t be alone

We should be mindful that sometimes happy memories can evoke sadness in both the person living with dementia and their spouse. Acknowledging this is important so that we can support both of you if needed. The most important thing is maintaining connections with loved ones. 

If you are finding Valentine’s Day (or any other day) difficult and you’re not sure how to connect with your loved one, please do not worry alone. Our team at Millbrook Lodge is here to help you, and OSJCT has a team of Admiral Nurses, specialist dementia nurses, who are here to support families as well as residents. Read more about our dementia care here.